Nothing beats a top ten list for a quick and dirty version of opinions on…anything really. Here is my own wedding version.
1. Tacky, ill-fitting bridesmaid dresses clearly insisted upon by an insecure bride whose biggest concern is that someone will outshine her on her wedding day.
2. The chicken dance. I fully admit to enjoying the electric slide on several occasions, but the chicken dance makes me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty cake-server.
3. David’s Bridal. Ah, the Wal-Mart of wedding gowns. An obnoxious cattle factory where brides are turned out assembly-line fashion in overpriced quasi-prom dresses. Not to mention the terrible corset/suit of armor they force you to wear when you try on dresses (yes, I did have a traumatic experience).
4. Unbearably long ceremonies full of overly personal details, oppressive religious overtones, or unrelated sappy readings.
5. That strange tradition I was unaware of until recently where the male who catches the garter is required to place said garter on the Maid of Honor. Using only his teeth. Needless to say, I’ve witnessed several incredibly awkward displays as a result.
6. Strange wedding acronyms. The first time I braved theknot.com message boards, I was inundated with HTH, FI, FMIL, GL, and STD’s. Thats right, STD’s. While I love knotties in general, I feel the extra second or two it takes to use the English language is worth the trouble and avoids a lot of confusion.
7. Mandatory fun (ie weddings that are so overplanned that if by complete ignorance you don’t participate in the bubble-blowing send-off, sparkler tunnel, conga line etc. you feel like you have inadvertently ruined the wedding).
8. Diamond pissing contests. Yes, large diamonds are exquisitely beautiful. But no, they are not historical symbols of love and engagement. We have DeBeers to thank for that. Your intended should be the focus of your love and admiration, not the weight of the rock on your hand.
9. Bridezillas. Though they have given me hours of entertainment on E, it is the type of entertainment that makes you cringe behind your hand and keep repeating the mantra please don’t let me be like that, please don’t let me be like that…
10. Brides who listen to me. If by any chance, you love any of the above, then please don’t let me discourage you. These are simply things that I can’t stand, and more than anything I love an independent bride who does exactly as she pleases.